


orphan (a little seashell that rests upon your shores)

by ElixirBB



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Car Sex, Dominant Kylo Ren, F/F, F/M, Female Friendship, I love Jyn and the second greatest death in the SW franchise was like all of Rogue One for me, I wanted to write something happy and lol this is what came out, Implied/Referenced Brainwashing, Implied/Referenced Grooming, Jyn will die for these girls, M/M, Mentions of Death, Mentions of Suicide, Oral Sex, POV Rey, PUTTING IT HERE AGAIN PLEASE READ THE TAGS, Regrets, Rey's childhood is not a happy one, Rough Sex, Running Away, Smut, Snoke is a warning in and of himself, Submissive Rey (Star Wars), Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unreliable Narrator, Updating the tag when I say “Jyn will die for these girls” I don’t actually meant that, because again Snoke is a dick, except for Snoke because that mf is the trauma, feeling helpless, finding yourself, jilted lover turning violent (not against Rey), mentions of abuse, mentions of car accident death, mentions of death right from the beginning, mentions of really bad foster homes for Rey, mentions of sexual assualt, miscommunication especially during and about sex, past trauma for like everyone involved, read the tags, some bdsm elements, tagging dub-con because of some situations that occur that can be seen as it, talk about depression, the first obvi being TROS because seriously eff that film, there are mentions of sexual assault that happens to an underage character (Rey), there will be an eventual HEA but like nothing like skipping in a field of flowers, they are both hella messed up, this author has no idea what the hell she's doing, this is not a healthy relationship, time jumps are happening within the story
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:40:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26390560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElixirBB/pseuds/ElixirBB
Summary: The thing Rey remembers most clearly, is the scent of sandalwood following him into her apartment.Oh, she thinks, staring at the night sky from the balcony of her shitty motel on the way to somewhere that isn’t the city that was never really her home, that’s when it started.********OR: They always seem to destroy what they want most in life.
Relationships: Armitage Hux/Rose Tico, Bazine Netal/Phasma, Kaydel Ko Connix/Temmin "Snap" Wexley, Kylo Ren/Rey, Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, mentions of Jyn/Cassian - Relationship
Comments: 6
Kudos: 24





	orphan (a little seashell that rests upon your shores)

**Author's Note:**

> Before we start, I do want you to take a look back at the tags for this story because it's going to like this the whole way through. So, please, please, please, if you are at all triggered by ANYTHING in those tags, click out because the biggest thing is that I want you to feel safe when you read fanfiction, whether it be mine or anyone else's. Be kind to Rey, she's going through a lot of traumatic things. Be nice to Kylo because he's also going through a lot of traumatic things and they both have unhealthy coping mechanisms. I do hope that you enjoy this and hopefully, one day, I'll write something happy to combat all this angst. 
> 
> I am forever grateful that you're giving this a chance though and hopefully we can go on this ride together. I hope everyone is staying safe and well in these crazy ass times. 
> 
> Title is taken from Lana Del Rey's - L.A. Who Am I To Love You?

The thing is, Rey doesn’t think she knows when it starts.

She knows the semantics. She knows how and where she meets him.

(She’s just finished her undergrad; Rose is suing the man who killed her sister, an angry ex who was angry because he was just that, an ex so he waged war against Paige with his car and round that fight - and the date is August 26th 2015.

The irony is there, the bitter pill to swallow, that even after they left the desert behind, there was always going to be someone who wanted more and someone who was cruel enough to kill when they didn’t get it. And here, they were thinking they escaped it all. How _naïve_ , they were.

Rose wins the war though, because of course Rose wins. Of course _he_ wins.

Rey still holds Rose as they make their way back to their apartment and she holds Rose as she wails heart-wrenching sobs that Rey would do anything – _anything_ – to make sure her best friend never feels again.

Rey, herself, is no stranger to these heart-wrenching wails, the ones that make throats feel like sandpaper, the ones where it feels like chests are being ripped apart, the ones where minds feel like they’re slowly slipping away, until all that’s left are the sounds, the hitches, the cries, the runny noses.)

She knows that they bumped into each other not even a week later at the grocery store when Rey was in her tattered sweatpants and oversized sweater with no bra on. He asks about Rose, in a quiet voice. Rey responds that _Rose is getting through it as best as she can_.

(“And you?” He asks, peering at her. He’s holding a bag of oatmeal in his hand. Not the no-name one, the one that costs twelve dollars a bag and she thinks that he can afford it. Of course, he can. Even if he did take on Rose’s case pro-bono because a clause in his contract stipulates that she has to.

“What about me?” Rey asks, because truly, _what about her?_ It’s not about her. It’s _not._

“How are you doing?”

Rey shrugs. “I’m not the one who lost someone.”

There is a pause, a stretch of silence and the ice cream tub in her hands is so cold she can’t feel her fingers anymore. “Haven’t you though?”

Her breath catches and then stays stuck in the middle of her chest. Her throat feels dry.

He puts down his bag of expensive oatmeal and Rey puts down her tub of melting ice-cream. He tugs her hand, uncaring if it’s cold, if it’s wet and pulls her along past the people who don’t give them a second glance even though she’s in ratty clothes and he’s in a suit that costs more than a month’s rent.

It’s all a blur from there, she doesn’t know when they got to his car, other than it’s expensive and she almost wants to pop the hood and look around, take her time with it, get behind the wheel and pretend to drive and drive and drive until this city, is a hazy landscape behind her. Until the memories she keeps locked inside her mind are left between state lines.

Instead, he pulls her in the back of his car and she willingly follows.

She fucks him that night in the back seat of his expensive car. The windows fog up and there’s a whispered conversation about _protection_ and reassurances that she’s _clean and has an implant_ and he’s _clean_ and then she’s begging, pleading, hoping for him to take the edge off. For him to help her feel not so lonely _all the time_.

She dirties his suit and his leather seats, and he chuckles against her collarbone, telling her _it’s okay and he’ll get it custom cleaned_.

And there – _right there_ – that’s when she thinks she first realizes it. How _different_ they are. How _doomed_ they are.

But Rey can’t bring herself to care.

Until it’s too late.)

* * *

_Maybe_ , she thinks, when the tears have dried, only to make room for new ones, as she drives and drives and drives until the city is a hazy landscape behind and her memories, the one she keeps locked inside her mind are not left between state lines but are carried with her, _it was always too late_.

* * *

She doesn’t see him for a handful of months. He doesn’t call. Not that she expects him to. Not that he has her number. Not that she gave it to him, even though she wanted to. Not that he gave her his, even though she hinted at it.

She’s started her life post-university, or as much as one as she can. She works at a mechanical engineering firm even though it’s the last thing she wants to do. She’s always wanted to work with cars, she’s always wanted to own her own garage, but the desert took that away from her and every time she goes into a garage now, she almost has a panic attack.

She makes a new friend named Finn. She meets his boyfriend, Poe. The two of them meet Rose and fearsome twosome turns into the fearsome foursome and sometimes, Rey forgets that she hasn’t known them for long. Sometimes, Rey forgets about everything she hides.

She’s only reminded when Finn asks her about her family and Rose bites her lip, turning her face and Rey smiles at him blandly and politely changes the subject.

Rose starts dating someone. Rey knows this because she smiles more, she leaves the apartment more, she comes home with a hickey once and Rey laughs and teases her until her stomach hurts.

And then, because Rose is her best friend, she asks Rey to meet him. Rose tells her _he’s British_ , so obviously, _they’ll have so much to talk about and we already know his friend_.

Rey asks _who the friend is_ but Rose’s attention is elsewhere and the question leaves Rey’s mind.

Until later that night when they make it to the pub they’re meeting at and Rose leaves Rey’s side to stand next to a man with shockingly red hair. It doesn’t shock her enough to take her eyes off his friend though. Tall, broad shouldered, dark-eyes and a cock she’s dreamt about more times than she’s willing to admit.

He pretends like that night in the back seat of his car never happened. At least, that’s what it _feels_ like.

And Rey, she feels _dirty_. She feels shamed. She feels like how she felt for most of her life.

But he pretends so prettily, so Rey pretends right alongside him.

* * *

Rey doesn’t remember her father.

She remembers a little bit of her mother though.

Strong jawed, hazel eyes, brown hair, soft voice. She remembers bits and pieces of a lullaby.

She remembers glimpses of a run-down apartment and rodents.

She remembers a cough that starts small and then grows and grows until her mother is almost bent over at the waist, clutching her chest with pain, and giving Rey a strained little smile, _it’ll be okay, darling. Don’t worry about me._

She remembers a cold night, tucked in as many layers that her mother could put on her and a busy building with other people and beds with scratchy blankets.

She remembers going to sleep.

She remembers waking up and her mother is gone.

She remembers waiting and waiting and waiting but her mother doesn’t come back.

* * *

Sometimes, Rey thinks that’s all she does, wait for people to come back.

Wait for people to choose her.

* * *

It somehow becomes normal for Armitage Hux and Kylo Ren to become part of their lives.

It’s a bit tricky sometimes because, for _some_ reason that Poe never says and Kylo never humours, Poe Poe _hates_ Kylo, makes snide comments towards him, glares at him with hard eyes, which is _strange_ because it’s the first time Poe has ever made his dislike towards someone known with such vitriol. Neither of them discuss why the animosity is there and whenever Rey meets Finn’s eyes, he shakes his head subtly.

Poe and Finn decline Rose’s invitations for going out sometimes if they know Hux and Kylo are going to be there.

Sometimes, it seems like Poe and Finn expect Rey to decline invitations to go out with Hux and Kylo too, but that’s the thing with Poe and Finn, they don’t understand Rey’s loyalty to Rose, that Rey will go wherever Rose goes, that Rey has promised to _always_ go wherever Rose goes.

* * *

She breaks her promise once. When Rey doesn’t give Rose the chance to decide to stay or go and instead, makes the choice for them and leaves before Rose comes back to the apartment.

Because Rey can’t bring herself to breathe in the city that was never her home.

* * *

She meets Jyn Erso when she is fifteen years old. She’s already been in and out of the foster care system, tossed and bounced from home to home. The families call her _difficult_ , her case worker begs her to just _get along with the families she’s with and maybe, just maybe, they’ll keep you_ , but Rey doesn’t _want_ to stay with those families, not when their sons have wandering hands and threats spilling from their lips that if she _doesn’t keep quiet, they’ll hurt her_. So, she punches them and rains her fists down on them and claws at their faces when they try to take everything from her.

And then, like clockwork, she gets moved and sometimes, it’s the sons again, sometimes it’s the fathers and other times, it’s the women, who hate her for no other reason that apparently, she’s Jezebel (and Rey laughs a bitter laugh, her mouth coated with blood, _no_ , she tells them, _I’m Rey and that’s worse_ ).

Then the state lands her with Unkar Plutt and his house filled with other kids who are barely hanging on.

He sounds loving and happy to take her in when they reach the house. All the other kids are there, in their clothes that are too small for them but with tight smiles pulled across their faces.

She sees it in their eyes though, the panic, the desperation, telling her to _go_. To flee, to escape.

She sees it in _his_ eyes. The darkness, the false personality he wears.

She shares a room with three girls, a blonde girl named Kaydel with two buns in her hair, a black-haired girl named Rose with crooked bangs and an older girl with black hair who looks exactly like Rose, even though she’s two years older, Paige.

(She doesn’t know it yet, but they’ll become her whole life.)

It’s a few months into her stay at Plutt’s and she hates it. _Hates it_. He’s rude, he’s lazy, he doesn’t feed them, leaving that to Paige and a few of the older girls and a couple of the older boys. They all have their jobs but Plutt grabs her by the arm one day, eyeing her up and down and with a grin, and it’s instinct for Rey to fight, for Rey to pull away from him but he pulls her down the street and throws her into a junkyard, where he barks at her to scavenge or she doesn’t get to eat.

Rey comes back that night with torn hands and torn knees, body weary and burnt from the desert sun.

When Paige sees her, she grits her teeth and marches into the living room where Plutt is sitting in front of a fan. She stands in front of him, hands on her hips. “She can’t go back there.”

Plutt arches an eyebrow at her and swats her so hard, she falls. Rose lets out a shriek and tries to get to her sister but Kaydel holds her back when Paige raises a hand. “Fine.” Paige concedes, not bothering to hide a twisted grin on her face. “We’ll see what Jyn says.”

It’s not the first time Rey hears that name. But it is the first time she sees all the blood rush out of Plutt’s face.

Paige gets up and grabs Rey, motioning for Kaydel and Rose to follow them up the stairs. They’re in the cramped bathroom as Paige cleans Rey’s wounds. Rose is pressed against her side, a warm and friendly presence.

That night, she goes to sleep with Rose at her back and wakes up and repeats the day over again.

She used to be fascinated with cars. She used to devour books about them until her eyes drooped with tiredness. But now, everyday in the junkyard, when Plutt makes her get things and crawl on her hands and knees, threatening to take away food, not just from her but from Kaydel, Rose and Paige, Rey finds herself hating cars, Resenting them and the owners who don’t know how to take care of them.

Paige tells her to hang on just a little bit more because Jyn is going to be here soon.

Rey shakes her head and sways into her bed, eyes closing and wishing for all hope that she doesn’t wake up.

But one day, she does wake up and this time, it’s to yelling and their bedroom door slamming open.

There is a woman, a little bit older than Paige, with brown hair and brown eyes, a strong jaw and a voice that sounds just like hers and Rey, because she’s just woken up, is tired and disjointed, she absentmindedly calls out. “Mom?” She says, her voice tired with sleep.

The woman pauses in her movements, body softening. She reaches out towards her, gently asks her to sit up. The woman lets out a curse when she sees the bandages and wounds on Rey’s body. “Mom?” Rey asks again. “Did you come back? I tried to wait for you.”

“I’m not your mom, sweetheart.” The woman says with a soft voice and Rey finally manages to get all of the crust out of her eyes and then she starts crying. Her body hurts, her head hurts, her heart hurts but staring at the woman in front of her, she feels embarrassed because asides from the voice and the brown hair and eyes, everything else about her is _wrong_. She doesn’t look like Rey, she doesn’t look like the memory of the mom she clings to.

But the woman holds her, slides next to her on the bed and holds her while Rey cries and when she’s done, the woman gets up, spits fury at Kaydel and Rose, telling them to watch her and then she storms down the stairs where she yells for Plutt.

She doesn’t know what’s said, doesn’t hear anything, all that she knows is a little while later, the woman comes back upstairs, knuckles busted and tells Rey that if Plutt ever makes her go into the junkyard if she doesn’t want to, if he ever threatens her with food again, then she’ll deal with it.

“Are you Jyn?” Rey asks her.

The woman nods, a small smile on her lips. “Yeah, I am.”

“Why are you here?” Why are you helping?

Jyn gives her a tight smile, “Because I know men like Plutt and I know how he treats the kids so I try and come up every now and then and make sure that he’s following the deal we have in place and when I find that he doesn’t…well, then he deals with me. And if there’s one thing Plutt doesn’t ever want, it’s to deal with me.”

Jyn makes her way out the door and Rey panics. “Are you leaving?”

Jyn pauses and looks at her over her shoulder. “I’ll be back in a week, okay? I’ll come back every week until you’re able to leave this place or until I’m able to get you out of here, okay?”

Rey nods because that’s the only thing she can do, even if she doesn’t believe her. “Okay.”

* * *

Jyn does come back the following week. And the week after and the week after.

She comes back after Paige turns eighteen and takes Rose in the middle of the night, pleading for Rey and Kaydel to _forgive_ her and that she’ll _be back_ , she’s _going to do everything in her power to make sure that you don’t stay here any longer than you have to_. 

Not long after, through means that Rey has no idea about, Jyn comes back and marches up the stairs, yelling at Plutt to _not move a fucking inch_ and she walks into the room Kaydel and Rey share and tells them to pack _everything_ because they’re staying with her from now on.

Rey is sixteen and Kaydel just turned seventeen and it feels like neither of them breathe until Plutt’s house is dust in the rear view mirror.

* * *

Rey doesn’t hold leaving against Rose.

She didn’t even hold it against Paige.

Rey isn’t sure she ever told Paige that. She thinks it’s one of her biggest regrets.

* * *

“There’s a guy.” Rey tells Jyn on the phone, through FaceTime, almost three months after being introduced or rather, re-introduced to Kylo Ren. She can hear Kaydel cackle in the background. _How dare you not start with that?_ “He was the lawyer in Paige’s case, the one helping Rose. I met him at the grocery store one night and we had sex in his car.”

Jyn stays silent but Kaydel is still laughing and hooting. The sound brings a smile to Rey’s face because they’re _free_ , they’re free and have no fears and they’re _alive_ and that’s all they wanted to be.

_“There’s more isn’t there?”_ Jyn asks, her voice blunt.

Rey nods. “He’s…he’s friends, co-workers, whatever, with Rose’s new boyfriend. He…” She can feel her throat close up and she swallows roughly because it doesn’t matter how much time passes, she’s still a tagalong, still someone he doesn’t say many words to, still someone he pretends to not know, or worse, an acquaintance he has to put up with. “He pretended he didn’t know me and still hasn’t really brought it up or you know…talked about it with me.”

She sees and hears Kaydel bristle, she starts saying something along the lines of _well, fuck him then, not in the literal sense because you already did that but you don’t need him._

But Rey’s eyes are on Jyn, with her arms crossed, face blank.

That’s the thing with Jyn though. Her face can be void of expression but it’s her eyes that give her away. Her eyes that belie all emotion.

Her eyes that tell her that she _agrees_ with Kaydel, that Rey should _forget him and distance herself from him._

It’s Jyn’s eyes that warily tell her she knows Rey _won’t_ do any of that but that _she’ll be here when and if it all crashes and burns._

* * *

It’s just before Christmas. Finn and Poe have gone to South America on a cruise with the rest of Poe’s family.

Rose is spending Christmas with Hux and Rey is alone, watching little white snowflakes fall and collect on the windowsill of their slightly less shitty but by no means luxurious apartment, when someone knocks on the door.

Rey blinks and gets up, grabbing her knit blanket along with her. It’s likely that someone got turned around, it’s likely that a delivery person has the wrong apartment, not that Rey would say no to free food, it’s likely a number of different things and _nothing_ she’s prepared for.

It _is_ take-out, though instead of being held by a delivery person, the bags are held by Kylo Ren.

Rey wants to close the door in his face. She would be _right_ to close the door in his face. It would be what Jyn would do, what Kaydel would do.

But it’s _not_ what Rey does. Instead, she opens the door wider and lets him in, the scent of sandalwood following him into her apartment.

* * *

_Oh_ , she thinks, staring at the night sky from the balcony of her shitty motel on the way to somewhere that isn’t the city that was never really her home, _that’s when it started_.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you all enjoyed! Huge thanks for everyone who is giving this a chance. Love you all very much for a very long time.


End file.
